Posted on December 7, 2021 by Kelly Muratorri, LPC
Alexa. What is anger?
<Think in your best Alexa voice here> “According to Wikipedia: Anger, also known as wrath or rage, is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and noncooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt, or threat”.
Eh. Close, Alexa. But that definition makes all anger sound like rage. And noncooperative. That’s not entirely true. Here’s proof.
Ephesians 4:26-27 states, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (NIV).
In Ephesians, Paul spoke to the believers in the church at Ephesus. He said there is a time for righteous anger. However, when we are angry, we should not let that anger cause us to sin. Staying angry gives the devil a way to defeat us. That’s all I need, as if he’s not always looking for an easy way to defeat me. What about you?
Growing up, I was always taught that anger is a sin. Period. However, I was never taught how to express negative emotions in a healthy way. What a quandary my tiny child brain was in. I would hold in negative feelings until it reached a point I exploded, often violently. When I acted out in rage, my parents' response mirrored my actions. This pretty much perpetuated the cycle of anger.
So what was missing? I likely didn’t have the words to articulate what I needed. I had no understanding of emotional or self-regulation. And healthy coping skills? That was definitely not in my vocabulary. Unfortunately (but God knows they tried their best), my parents never taught me these things. My anger began rearing its ugly face at the most unnecessary things. If I felt embarrassed, ignored, uncomfortable, in pain, sad, hungry, anxious, misunderstood, or any other remotely negative emotion, I went straight to anger.
Fast forward to today. In church last week, our pastor happened to speak of anger during his sermon. He admitted to us that he has lost his temper in the past. I always appreciate how he reminds us that we are all human and not without fault. Anger is a touchy subject, you know? And we don’t always want to admit we let our anger get out of control.
To this day I am still learning. I still have to work to make sure I am responding to negative situations appropriately. I’m human, so guess what? I don’t always. However, I try to reach for the tools I have learned that will help me maintain or regain control. You’ve probably heard things like, “Take a deep breath”, “Count to ten”, or “Walk away”. Whatever tool you use, it won’t work if you don’t practice it. Practice your favorite coping skills often. Practice them at times when you do not need them. When you do need them, you won’t have to think through the steps.
Back to that scripture, though. How do we determine what righteous anger is? When you become angry, think about your motivation behind that anger. James 1:19-20 tells us “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (NIV). Stop. Pray. If our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires, call on Him to guide you.
Starting soon, watch for my monthly blog. Comment below with questions or comments.
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